Helping Others Navigate Their Substance Use and Mental Health

At the true core center of my personal troubles, no one could ever understand my pain. Or ever connect with the nature of my fears. Or ever grasp the challenge of my predicament. Please let me be clear: It was not humanly possible for anyone to ever understand.

At the height of my dysfunction, not even I could understand it.

Empathy, as we commonly attempt to understand it, or pretend to believe it, is a fictitious dream. No one can feel what others feel, or envision with clarity what others have swirling around in their heads, or understand what others believe. It is not humanly possible for anyone to ever understand.

Not to be juvenile, but if you imagine to know what is best for someone else, because you think to know what they’re going through, please stop doing that. Because you do not know, you will never know. You cannot understand, you will never understand. It is not humanly possible.

Therefore, the first major challenge in trying to support someone neck-deep in the cesspool of their own despair, is to drop the notion you know better than they do. Because you don’t. You don’t know anything except you care about their wellbeing, and you wish you knew how to help, and that so far, nothing has worked.

Often, especially in parent / child relationships, I’ve seen it where the parent tries to adjust their approach, but can’t let go of the idea that they know best. They cling to the behavior of their child as incorrect, bad, even horrible, dangerous, stupid, irresponsible, and a death wish. Whereas the suggestions of what their kid should do, or not do, never stops and the person in peril is unable to proceed. The down talk doesn’t help. Instead, our self-shame inflates, our self-blame expands, and our self-cynicism becomes engrained. Essentially, if incessantly told we are doing something wrong, then the risk becomes that we believe we can never do anything right, not even far into our recovery years. I know this to be true.

I am NOT concretely claiming this is how it goes for everyone. Because it is not. I neither pretend to know the dynamic theory of human nature, nor the practice of human behavior. I do not have a college degree, I did not even graduate high school. So go ahead and please dump as many grains of salt atop my words as you feel are necessary to proceed. It’s just that I have been around the block a time or three, and I know what I know through lived experience.

Primarily, foremost, and let’s not miss this one: What we NEED is to know we are safe. SAFE. We all need that. That we are not lost in dark woods without a flashlight, or adrift the mass stormy seas without a paddle.

Secondarily, we NEED to know we are loved. LOVED. We all need that. We need to FEEL the love, and not just hear I-love-you-type-words. Feel the love, or at least know we are still maintaining a tight connection with those who matter in our lives, and that we are not dejected or supportively thrown to the curb.

‘Safe’ means that we ARE accepted as we are and not judged, not ridiculed, not resented, not blamed, and not shamed. ‘Loved’ means we are not given up on, not ignored, and not omitted from the lives of those who claim they care about us.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection.

Fact one: My addiction was NOT a disease. My addiction was not me suffering through a character flaw, or moral defect. I was not being rebellious, or defiant, or irreverent. Well, I am a preacher’s kid, but that wasn’t the problem either. I was NOT operating as a weakling, or an idiot, or a piece of shit, or as a worthless excuse for a human, or a loser, or a lowlife, or as the scum of the earth.

Neither was I unwilling.

In my addiction, I was not losing at life. Quite the contrary, amid my addiction I was surviving. I was coping with my pain the best way I knew how. I was trying to find a way through my problems, not make them worse. I was attempting to locate a private place to hide until true danger passed me by. I was trying to find myself, trying to find my place in the world, and trying to find a way through the worst parts of life.

So, can you see that I was NOT losing? I was not losing. I was surviving. I was winning.

Give me a little rope here if you will: Starting out, my addiction saved my life.

Plainly, my addiction was a coping mechanism. PERIOD. My addiction was a path through, when otherwise I would NOT have made it through. My addiction comforted me, and loved me, and praised me, and cared for me when I believed nothing else would, or could. My addiction taught me things I could have never learned anywhere, ever. My addiction, now that I have survived it, is a strength. My addiction makes me a stronger person, and a better member of humanity. Because now I know. Now I know. Now I know what it’s like on the other side, and I honor my learnings. I honor life. I honor all people as gifted individuals destined to do great things.

When left out in the cold, we cower. When exposed, we wilt. When abandoned, we weaken. When betrayed, we break.

We NEED safety and love, in that order. Safety and love. Safety then love. With specificity, until we possess safety then love, we are stuck. We NEED that shelter, that coverage, that protection. We NEED human touch, and we need the belief we are part of a clan who would go to the ends of the earth and fight the dragon for us.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection.

Across multiple situations: Substance use, alcohol use, self-harm, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, depression, suicide attempts, sexual reorientation, gambling, porn, disease, crippling injuries and more, I have seen it play out time and time again whereas the exposed person is shunned. Friends and family don’t know what to do. Friends and family don’t know what to say. Friends and family are embarrassed, and intimidated. Friends and family are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. So they do nothing, and they stay away.

In the blink of a day, friends and family grow overly busy. Excuses get made. Schedules never again align. Months turn to years, phone numbers get changed, and Facebook friends get unfriended.

Ah, no.

Do not fear. There is no wrong way, except to ignore and stay away. We don’t need perfection, we need to know people are there for us. We need to know that even when we are being harder on ourselves than the rest of the world could EVER be, that our friends and family are not scared of us. That they show us by way of their behavior, and not claiming with their words, that they are in our camp, and they will do all they can to reasonably support us.

For certain, much dysfunction and manipulation lurks in this middle ground. Please let us not get ahead of ourselves. Boundaries are necessary, and the fewer non-negotiables the better. Guidelines need to be mutually agreed upon, and documented on paper. No rules get enforced, and no consequences are exercised except for what is already on the sheet. Period. When needed, updated rules are drafted, then everyone once more signs the new agreement. Period. Meaning, whatever you DO decide is the line in the sand, do not stray from the line in the sand, do not fudge or smudge the line, do not erase the line, do not step over the line, do not move the line, do not use idle threats, and do not manipulate. That’s unfair. Hence, categorically, then there are no rules. If rules get ignored, or skipped, or forgotten, or bypassed (“broken”) by those of us who are hurting, broken by those of us who the rules are meant to benefit, then act swiftly with known consequences. Avoid the blame and shame show. Don’t explode. Don’t talk down. Try to temper your frustrated face. It doesn’t help. Avoid the bad and wrong game, it makes things worse. Instead try to be mathematical about it. Let me explain. Try to instead stick to the facts, focus on the issues, while leaving the emotion and drama out of it, aka mathematical.

I try not to be scared of making someone mad at me as long as I am doing what I believe to be correct- for me myself. I try to think ahead and if I see regret possibly popping up on the horizon, I reorient to get busy in the present. I work hard to avoid regret. Regret is a real killer. Also I try not to be afraid of behaving like a bit of a fool. Because if worried more about my own prim and proper image, or more concerned with my own dirty-ego than I am about the safety and care of those I love, people will die.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection.

STEP ONE: Show up to be present for them. Stand witness alongside their experience, even if their story sounds sensational or unbelievable or from outside this world. Such is often the case with excessive alcohol and meth use, meaning the extreme outlandish paranoia, because a degree of psychosis is probable. IT IS their experience, therefore IT IS REAL TO THEM. Let them own that, let them carry that, do not dispute it, and do not minimize it. Just show up, sit down, and listen. Linger on the phone talking of silly little things…sharing memories or funny stories of years gone by. Let them know (by your actions) that you are not scared of them, and you will not give up on them. Let them see and feel and taste and know that they could NEVER lose your love. Let them see and feel and taste and know that you love them NO MATTER WHAT. Meet them where they are. Meet them where they are emotionally, spiritually, mentally, situationally, energy-wise and every other possible kind of way. Do not tell them what YOU think they should do. Maybe challenge them to formulate new or different ideas for themselves. Question them and ask, do they think their plan will work, will that line of thinking carry them where they are trying to go? Remain rather neutral, and certainly non-judgmental with your views and comments. You may then see things change, and you could become more of an ally instead of an enemy. Ask questions so to learn, and let them answer. Speak little, listen lots. Listen, listen, or just shut up and remain nearby. Stay present. Walk beside them. Hold their hand, stick by them with barely a word spoken. Reassure them you are there, there you will emotionally remain, and you are trying your best. Help them clean their room, or clean their car, or do laundry, or take out the trash, or shave, or brush their hair, or go grocery shopping. Work on a puzzle. Just be. Go out for pizza. Or a burrito. Watch the sunset. Or the sunrise. Ask nothing from them. Make no deals. Don’t suggest anything. Expect nothing. Try to remain available and reachable, as is personally possible. Promise only one thing. Promise only that you will keep trying to try. You will keep trying to try to be there for them, to love them, and support them on their unique and magical journey, no matter what.

Please share feely. (c) 2025 Roger Ray Bird